Here’s something I submitted to CollegeHumor a while back, but still would serve nicely to crack the ice and christen this now weekly article of mine.
3 ARCHETYPES THE COLLEGE WORLD COULD DO WITHOUT
1. POPPED COLLAR DOUCHEBAGS
OK guys, lets get something straight, the popped collar is the number one sign for the pinnacle of douchebaggery. Why you ask? For one, it’s only done by guys who think that the popped collar looks good. It doesn’t. In fact, I’m almost tempted to say that John Daly’s golfing attire is nicer apparel then the popped collar. Almost. Also, not only has it been out of date for the past, oh, FOREVER or so, but it has also been traditionally sported by people who have no originality. So if you find yourself saying, “Hey, I have no originality, like out of date trends no one likes, AND act like a douchebag,” then go right ahead and don the collar. Because what’s better than douchebags around you? The ones who let you know that they are jerks long before you talk to them by wearing the uniform that is the popped collar.
2. $TUCK UP $TUDENT$
This one is tricky because there are some people out there who have never known anything but money, HOWEVER, we can all agree that people can change bad habits. Remember that time when you nearly ran into two or three people while talking on your overpriced phone in a Hummer that your dad paid for in full as a college gift? Nope. You don’t. Do you remember that time someone asked for help and you didn’t even hear them? No. Not at all. Or what about the time where your biggest complaint of the year was how the dry cleaners messed up one of your designer outfits? Oh yeah, you remember that one. Are we seeing a trend here? I think so. Lesson to all students who find this article familiar - if you keep treating people like shit, you can expect one to throw a punch across your face one day. And for future reference since your parents never laid a finger on you as a child, it’s going to hurt. A lot.
3. THE COMPLAINING-NON-ACTIVIST
We all know one of these people. Maybe not personally, (and there would be a perfectly good reason for that) but we all know one. This is the kind of person who more than often finds something to complain about at least once a day. Homework, Government, School regulations, SOMETHING will be complained about. This trait alone is enough to merit placement on this list however, these common complainers have another trait that solidifies them a spot here. They complain and nag all day long, every day, and don’t do a damn thing about it. ‘I wish the stupid class wouldn’t give me homework, I’m failing because of it.’ Do your freaking homework genius. Problem solved. ‘Man I hate our Student Government officers, they never get anything done. I didn’t even vote out of protest.’ Really? Out of protest? Vote next time and then I can understand your whining a little more. Heck, try RUNNING for an office next time, though you’ll probably be too lazy to even fill out the forms anyway.
